im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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