after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
