I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
