I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
