She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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