i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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