Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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