They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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