i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize
