He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
