My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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