I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
