This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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