I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
