Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
