Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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