Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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