I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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