my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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