I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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