i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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