??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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