I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
