last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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