I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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