alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
