You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
