my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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