Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The power of my boobs compel you
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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