Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
even my farts smell like vagina
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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