wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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