my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
