just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
