By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
