I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
