i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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