I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
