My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
