Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
