I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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