the condom got lost in my hair
this beer tastes like vomit already
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
