I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The air was thick with penises
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
