yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
