someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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