grandma shit on top of the toilet
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
