The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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