Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
