eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
