it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
