i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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