she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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