They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
