Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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